All In The Family
by the rotten1
Summary: After Hakkai makes a joking comment about himself and Sanzo being Goku's parents and Goku asks where Gojyo fits in their family. Later on, Gojyo learns about his position and complains, saying that he should be the father.
1. Chapter 1

**All in the Family**

The three-fourths of the Sanzo party struggled through an insurmountable overgrowth of trees. There was vegetation everywhere, and it was all packed so close together that they basically had to crawl through the forest. Hakkai slipped effortlessly though a tight opening between two trees, Sanzo climbed over a fallen trunk, and Goku grabbed into a low-hanging branch and swung over the mess.

"Tch... he really is a monkey," Sanzo said.

"No, I'm not!"

"Nevertheless, that was very chimp-like behavior," Hakkai added.

"I'm not a monkey!"

"Shut up!" Sanzo yelled. "You're too noisy even without the perverted kappa!"

For a moment everyone froze, as though remembering why they were in this mess in the first place. Several days ago, they had woken up to one empty bed in the motel they'd been staying in. Hakkai and Goku had been instantly crushed. Sanzo- in spite of all his denial- was actually worried too. At least, Hakkai was fairly certain that he was. Or perhaps he was simply aggravated that Gojyo had disobeyed a direct order. It was hard to tell with Sanzo.

Even as they resumed climbing through the overgrowth, the mood was strangely silent. Sanzo was the first to move on, jumping down from a fallen tree trunk and moving straight ahead. Hakkai continued to to move in a zigzagged pattern through the trees. Goku decided not to swing on the branches anymore. He was tired of being called a monkey. Instead he followed Sanzo, who was struggling straight through any obstacles in his path.

"Hey, Hakkai?"

"Yes, Goku?"

"Earlier, ya said somethin' about us bein' a family, right?"

Hakkai stopped to gaze at Goku curiously while Sanzo huffed and continued on through the trees. Hakkai had made a comment that they were like a little family earlier, while they were down by the river. Sanzo and himself had been under the shade of a tree, watching Goku bathe like a married couple out on a picnic with their son.

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

"If you guys are the parents and I'm the kid, then what's Gojyo?" Goku didn't like being called a kid, but it didn't really matter. He felt that Gojyo needed to be included, even if he wasn't with them right now. Gojyo was a part of their family too.

"Hm..." Hakkai held his chin and thought about it for a moment. Then he raised his index finger and said, "Gojyo is our rebellious teenager."

"Like hell he is!" Sanzo angrily shot back.

Goku laughed. He thought it was funny, even if Sanzo didn't. "But, how come?"

"Well, he's not responsible enough to be an adult." Hakkai answered. "But he's not small enough to be a child, and he's certainly not innocent."

"Also, because he's older than me, right?"

"Yes, that's another reason."

"But why the rebellious part?"

"Because he doesn't listen to his parents."

"I'm really going to kill you," Sanzo threatened, an irritated tone to his voice.

"The father doesn't approve of the rebellious teenager's actions..." Hakkai added, looking at Sanzo for a moment before referring to himself. "But the mother is always concerned about her child."

Goku laughed even harder.

"Didn't I tell you to shut up!" Sanzo yelled.

"Would you prefer that I switch the roles of 'mother' and 'father' then, Sanzo?" Hakkai mischievously replied.

"I'm not a part of your fake family!" Sanzo insisted, as he angrily stomped off into the woods.

"Oh dear, it seems I've angered your father."

"I hate it when you guys fight."

Hakkai and Goku looked at each other for a moment. For some reason, this pretend family was starting to seem all too real. Hakkai had the sudden urge to run off after Sanzo and say something completely ridiculous to lighten the mood. Maybe something like, _"What about the opera you promised to take me to on Friday night, Dear?"_

Sanzo would definitely shoot him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Who's Your Daddy?**

The staircase to Kami's castle seemed endless, and the walk back down every bit as difficult as the climb to the top had been. Instead of a deceptive swirling mist they all had injuries to worry about, bloody wounds that ached each time they took a step, jostling their bodies. There wasn't much conversation at first. They had been smiling down the first few steps, but the smiles soon turned to grunts and groans of discomfort.

Goku thought it'd be better if they talked about something, but what could he talk about? He couldn't think of anything, so instead he looked down at the others. It was good to see all three of them, Sanzo, Hakkai, and Gojyo. The members of their little family were all together again. "Hey Gojyo, didja know that you're the rebellious teenager?"

"What?"

"Goku, perhaps you shouldn't-" Hakkai tried to interrupt, but Goku wasn't listening.

"In our family. Sanzo an' Hakkai are the parents, I'm the kid, an' you're the rebellious teenager."

"Who said that?"

"I've heard there's a meatbun stand in the next town." Hakkai's second attempt to distract Goku was better, but it also failed.

"Hakkai."

"So that's why you were trying to get the monkey to shut up," Gojyo said.

"Ahaha, it was a joke. After all, you do have the pheromones for it."

"...so you're sayin' that I'm the teenager because I'm the horniest?"

"And 'cause you're not responsible enough to be an adult," Goku added.

"Really?" Gojyo asked, sending a critical glance in Hakkai's direction.

Hakkai wished that Goku wasn't always so honest.

Since no one else said anything, Gojyo decided to continue. "Say whatever you want. No matter how you look at it, I should definitely be the daddy."

"You? How come?" Goku asked.

"'Cause I'm the one who gets all the ladies."

"That doesn't mean you get to be the dad! Sanzo should, 'cause he's the oldest!"

"So what? The daddy doesn't have to be the oldest! It's okay if the woman is older than her husband, right Hakkai?"

Considering his past relations with his older sister, Hakkai could hardly argue. "Well, there's nothing wrong with it."

"There, you see?" Gojyo insisted. "Anyway, I'm almost the same age as Hakkai, so I should be the daddy! Sanzo can be the cranky old grandfather or something!"

BANG! The bullet from Sanzo's gun grazed Gojyo's scalp as it zoomed through his hair.

"Say that again!"

"Shit! Um, fine... you can be the daddy."

"I'm not a part of this." Sanzo turned away to continue walking down the stairs.

"See? He doesn't wanna do it. That means I'm the daddy."

"But then what's Sanzo?" Goku asked.

A mischievous smirk played along the edges of Hakkai's mouth. "Gojyo, weren't you saying earlier how much Sanzo resembles a housewife?"

"Hell yeah. Daddy Gojyo and Momma Sanzo. That'd be hot."

The gun came right back out and Sanzo aimed it right at Gojyo's head. "Do you wanna die?"

"No thanks."

"Ah, so we're one of those dysfunctional families, then?" Hakkai said. Sanzo and Gojyo would make horrible parents. It was easier to picture Sanzo as a single father. If that were the case, then Hakkai supposed that they would all be Sanzo's children. Hakkai would be the oldest, of course. The good son who did everything that he was told and who the others were constantly being nagged to be more like.

"I already told you, I'm not involved!" Sanzo insisted, stomping down the stairs again.

"Suits me just fine," Gojyo said.

"But that's not fair!" Goku whined. He really had wanted all four of them to be a family.

Hakkai understood. "Gojyo, no matter how you look at it, isn't Sanzo Goku's father?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Sanzo ignored them and kept walking.

"Still think I should be the daddy," Gojyo grumbled.

"No, it should be Sanzo!" Goku insisted.

"But I'm taller and stronger than him!"

"So what? If Sanzo's not gonna be the father, then it should be me!"

"_You?_" Gojyo stared at Goku. "Why should it be you?"

"'Cause I'm the strongest!"

"You're also the shortest, mini monkey!"

"Get your foot off my head, stupid cockroach!"

"Why don't you both SHUT UP?" Sanzo yelled, whacking them both over the head with his paper fan.

"The true father returns to discipline his children," Hakkai said.

"That goes for you too, Hakkai."

"I'm a child too?"

"No, you need to shut up."

"Ah, I see. A good wife should always be silent while her husband is speaking."

"Hakkai..." Sanzo shot a death glare that was threatening enough to make both Gojyo and Goku cringe. Hakkai smiled.

Once the group had quieted down they started walking again. Sanzo led the way down the stairs, Goku followed after him, Hakkai proceeded at a moderate pace, and Gojyo lagged behind. That is, until he decided to get a little closer to Hakkai so they could talk.

"Okay, I get the reason that Sanzo's the monkey's parent. But if it's just you and me, then I'm definitely the daddy, right?"

"All right, all right."

"Daddy Gojyo."

"Yes, I know."

"...So why won't you call me that when we're in bed?"

"Hm, I wonder... why won't I?"

"Come on, say it for me."

"Right now?"

"Yeah."

"No thank you."

"Why, 'cause the others might hear it? They're not even listening."

"Still, I'd rather not."

"Then when're you gonna say it?"

"The moment I realize that I've become pregnant with your child, I will start to call you Daddy."

"Um, okay." There was a very confused look on Gojyo's face for a minute, then it turned to a teasing grin. "Is there something you're not tellin' me, Hakkai?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."


End file.
